All of us, and Me too

The original article was written in 2017.

"A woman can only become a man's friend in three stages: first, she's an agreeable acquaintance, then a mistress, and only after that a friend." – Anton Chekhov.

Since we're getting things out in the open, I will admit my guilt. I had a secret elation at the idea of men being outed for being jerks, grabbers, too touchy-feely, and finally, rapists. I hide my joy like dieters hide Snickers bars in gym bags and vegetarians sneak off into dark corners to eat fried chicken. I couldn't let anyone know that I was on the side of the women; that I, my grandmothers, mother, aunts, and just about every woman I've ever known were #MeToo. At the gym where I work, we can only keep the TV on CNN and the Weather Channel. The TV is high on the wall, like a friendly greeter welcoming you in. Depending on what Trump has said or if that weird stuff called snow returns to Texas again, most people will stop, add their remarks, shake their heads, and proceed to the treadmills. Men and women alike stop to add their opinions on Trump and Texas snow, two unlikely forces we've never expected to see in a position of power. Only when it began did they begin to stop.

The Weinstein Effect. (Yes, this phenomenon has been coined with its catchphrase.)

"The Global wave of powerful men being accused of sexual misconduct. Weinstein has been accused of rape, assault and harassment by more than 60 women." – Wikipedia.

The men stayed for 10 seconds in front of the screen as the names of many men were being read, and as the weeks went on, no men stayed to watch anymore. Only the women congregated around wearing yoga pants and Zumba shirts, wiping sweat from their brows, but never leaving the screen. They appeared like colorful, glowing bees swarming around the light of "The Weinstein Effect." Because I needed to feel a part of the swarm, I began to listen to their buzz.

"Who hasn't this happened to?" Said a grandmotherly bee.

"We could never say anything! You would not have a job for sure after that!" Said a middle-aged bee.

"It is about DAMN TIME! Take them all down! They are all the same!" Said the youngest bee.

They paused momentarily and moved deeper into the swarm, but their voices were now much quieter, and they all sounded like a low hum.

The grandmotherly bee says, "They aren't all this way, but mostly, they are like dogs."

My eyes grew large; they had spotted me, and I was quickly embarrassed that I had eavesdropped. But their eyes approved of my silent invasion as they walked out the front doors and to their cars.

Not all women have felt this way; very prominent French actress Catherine Deneuve and several other highly affluent French ladies have denounced the movement with their "opinion piece' defending a freedom to bother, an indispensable sexual freedom."

I was left with several questions.

Are men these uncontrollable beasts? Is it some innate sexual dysfunction to which they have no control? Or has patriarchy taught them that women are only half men, deformed, weakened versions of themselves that must be conquered? In an interview with MUSE magazine, actress Glenn Close makes a startling comment. We can't be sure if she is for or against the #metoo movement, but her comment certainly allows us to think of men, science, and sex in a whole new light.

"Women have served all these centuries as looking glasses possessing the magic and delicious power of reflecting the figure of man at twice its natural size."

– Virginia Woolf --

I would like to believe that I am fair and look at all situations objectively. But for the past two weeks, I have been trying to wrap my head around how any woman could justify sexual misconduct. It is a story we've all heard before. Every circle of women has a story of women excusing men's bad behavior. Mothers, sisters, aunts, and grandmothers told us not to know, fearing the retribution inflicted upon the man. Hushed secrets of family members and coworkers were swept under the rug, and while the dirt never disappeared, the lump remained. We see it there but say nothing; we only walk over it, and it remains there for so long that we become accustomed to it, as if it were a part of the rug's weave and a part of the family.

In an interview on Oprah's Master Class, legend and veteran actress Cicely Tyson recounts how she worked for a company before becoming an actress. While reading case files, she came upon a little girl who her father was raping, and the mother knew. Since the father was the sole breadwinner in the household, the mother wouldn't report him for fear that he would lose his job. That was a story from the 1940s. If the secret hush society of rape and molestation was happening, then you can be positive it is happening now. When bad behavior is excused, we give it license to prevail. Money, power, fear, and intimidation have all been the driving forces that have kept women silent and left them feeling powerless. I have never been prouder to be a woman than I was in 2018. 

 Every time a woman speaks out against rape, harassment, and injustice, she is giving the little girl with no voice a new set of vocal chords. We are responsible for being fearless examples to all the little girls watching us. We can end this, one voice and one woman at a time.

In France, actress Catherine Deneuve and approximately 100 of her colleagues have signed an open letter denouncing the # MeToo movement in favor of a man's "right to harass." I find this very hypocritical, since the synonym for ‘pester’ is harass’. The letter goes on to say that the # MeToo movement has made women once again the proverbial victim by reducing them to "poor little things." Not all French women share the same views as Deneuve and her friends, and one notable exception is Sandra Muller. Muller is the founder and spokesperson for the French equivalent of the # MeToo movement, #BalanceTonPorc, which roughly translates into "squeal on your pig "or "expose your pig," with hundreds of sexual assault stories flooding the floors of the French legislature.

Where is the line drawn between flirting and harassment?

Has there been opposition to the movement in your circles? What has been said? Do you agree with the movement?

Is a woman asking for sexual assault because of the type of clothing she wears? I ask this because an older woman said, "You can't hold a steak in front of a dog and expect him not to bite. It is in his nature. Do you agree? Are men untamed, tracked beasts lacking willpower?

"I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I have never found any strange panties in my dog's house."

-Wanda Sykes

There is the old-school belief that men, no matter how educated, wealthy, or otherwise, have no control over themselves when in the presence of women they are physically attracted to. That men are biologically compelled to act on their sexual impulses, no matter how deviant or base. Since the beginning of girlhood, most of us have been told lies about men and their natural lack of willpower. Women of the past were sold the idea that man is 1st cousin to the canine and, therefore, excused from any sexual impropriety. However, while men have been justified, women are blamed for bringing out their animal-like nature. We have been told to cover up our bodies, that even the slightest bit of skin can bring out his inner sleeping beast. Men have also believed these lies and taken full advantage of them; they are not to blame for their reprehensible behavior, which is not their fault but ours.  

Agustin Fuentes, Ph. D, professor in the Department of Anthropology at the University of Notre Dame, says, "The arguments that evolution has made men particularly aggressive concerning sex draw on comparisons with insects, seals, lions, deer, and our closest relatives, the chimpanzees, to justify assertions about the naturalness of sexual coercion and rape."

We have let men off the hook for bad behavior for too long and, even worse, made up excuses as to why they should be forgiven, such as:

Boys will be Boys.

A Man is going to be a Man

He can't help himself.

You and I could go on for years, dishing back and forth the excuses we women have used to justify behavior that wasn't out of our control. When we excuse bad behavior, we give license for it to prevail. And prevail it has! So, are men really like dogs? Even dogs, if properly trained, can learn to control themselves. I wanted to follow up on Glenn Close's comment regarding the # MeToo movement and the nature of men.

"As more and more people are being exposed and more and more women are being able to come up and say they were abused or preyed upon, I feel that it's kind of in the male DNA, that if somebody walks in the room, your first thought is, 'Do I want to fuck her?' Honestly speaking, "she said. "Women, maybe, but not to the same degree. If you expect that to change, I think it's stupid." – Glenn Close, Interview with Jezebel.

So, what do you honestly think about her comment? Is she right? Is she wrong? Because I am so annoyingly objective, having a clear position can sometimes be hard. I agree that I am the type of woman who looks at the men entering the room and decides which one of them I can flirt with. No, it won't change the fact that both sexes will still check each other out. We are wired to be attracted to each other so that we can make more weird and dysfunctional human beings like ourselves. But we are not wired to abuse each other, nor are we naturally wired, based on our gender, to sexually assault, rape, and molest each other. The problem I have with her statement is that she thinks it can't be changed. It isn't a lack of self-control that keeps men from making the right decisions. It is the centuries-long allowance of the behavior that ensures it continues to take advantage. Fuentes writes, "These arguments are popular with many scientists and the public because they make it easier for us to deal with male violence and aggression towards women — believing these assertions means that sexual violence, while undesirable, is a central part of human biology, and thus inevitable."

"We have this profound notion that men make the world."

Dr. Amanda Foreman, author of The Ascent of Woman

This past Christmas, while shopping for my daughter, I noticed, probably for the first time in my life, that the toys meant for girls and boys were different and gender-specific. The girls' aisles were pink, fancy, and heavily domestic. There were baby dolls, bottles, doll diapers, carriages, cribs, aprons, tiny kitchens, and faux washer and dryer sets. I think what got me the most were those damn fake cleaning caddies that hold all the spray bottles your little girl is supposed to use in her role as head maid in her future household. From the time we are born, we learn how to be mothers, wives, and maids, with no real identity outside of these realms. The toys in the boy's aisles were guns, ammo, camouflage wear, games of war, violence, and murder. They didn't have dolls to prepare them for fatherhood or cleaning caddies for their future household chores. I voiced my concerns to older females and said this was part of the problem. I was told things would never change, which is the world's way.

For thousands of years, men have been taught to view women as secondary citizens and even women's bodies as their property. So, when the 3rd wave of feminism in American history began, there was a tremendous backlash by men and, to my surprise, women.   If all we have ever done is slap men on the wrist or make it laughable that men are sub-human, then rape and sexual assault will never be a real issue, not even to ourselves. To sexually assault, rape, or treat women like objects by catcalling, deeming them as less deserving of respect, or degrading their bodies with negative opinions of supposed female perfection is all choice, and the excuse of biology is just plain bullshit. We've all known this, it's not news; it's the elephant in the room with the erect penis that no one wants to talk about. The "sit on my knee" uncle, the touchy-feely boss, or the husband who beats you out of love, their time is up!