The Nickel between my knees
At the end of 2013, after being involved in a relationship filled with lies, betrayal, and even to my disbelief, my acceptance of "hush money," i.e., winter wardrobes, car notes, rental payments in exchange for my silent agreement of late nights that turned into days out and the non-questioning of phone calls that required him to leave the room and sometimes even the house. I could not even sleep at night; my spirit was wrestling with me so hard. I knew that everything here was wrong. After it was all over, I embarked on a self-imposed sexual hiatus. As a woman with a high libido, I cringed at the thought of giving up sex to achieve a sense of peace and serenity. But after this particular relationship, I found myself so disgusted and defeated with myself that I not only closed off my heart, but I closed my legs too. Several things began to happen almost immediately. My GPA improved from 3.2 to 4.0, and I maintained that score. I lost 5 inches from my waistline and could fit in jeans and dresses I hadn't worn in years. I exercised, meditated, called on the wisdom of ancestors, ate and drank cleanly, read stories to my daughter, grew tomatoes and aloe Vera, kept a clean house, went to bed at a decent hour, helped family and friends, and was even doing well at a job I hated. I removed music, TV shows, literature that was lusty, and even, at times, the richness of chocolate as it seemed to have an orgasmic effect on me. I took pride in the fact that my womanly parts were tightening and marinating for the right time when I would bestow my gift on the proper suitor. But that never happened. There was never a "proper suitor".
I, Kimberly, the woman, was growing. The deep inners of my soul fattened as if it were preparing for hibernation. The much-needed rest that my spirit yearned for. The type of rest that sleep can't give you. I envied no woman with a man, nor a wife with a husband. I was utterly thrilled in my skin. I was dreading the screams and yells of my neighbors' domestic disputes. I felt saddened that whatever happiness these two people had must have been gone, and now they were at each other's throats, filled with hate in their eyes. It used to be love there. At the same time, I was relieved that it wasn’t me. I was glad that no man could make me so miserable ever again, and for a while, it stayed like that. I never felt that need to find a man. Women focus so much on this. They always want to know where they can find men. I never understood this question because it was constantly surrounding me. Good ones, bad ones, exes, coworkers, classmates, the list went on and on. But not one of them made me want to give up my body.
It all seemed like a terrible waste of time. The cynic in me said it would turn out like all the rest. I was doing so well without them. I was being so productive, and I was finally, for the first time, focused on myself. How could I have ever been in a healthy relationship with a man if I had still battled inner demons? Abstaining from sex for almost a year was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. I never knew I had so much power in me. After giving in to my sexual desires, I will tell you now that I have and still do regret it. As I write this, I am looking at the calendar to begin my cleansing again by freeing myself of sexual attachment and letting all things be what will be. The beginnings of celibacy or abstinence are rough. It is like kicking a drug addiction. But once you "sweat it out," it'll be like you've never missed it—smooth sailing. Keep your decision to yourself. This is personal, and it's no one's business except your own.
I wouldn't say that I’m waiting to find someone worthy. I am worthy of myself. I don't want to wait for anything or anyone to improve me, yet I want to be free to accept all things love and let them go when time forces me to do so. You are the most important relationship you'll ever be in. You cannot be good at anything until you are first good to yourself. You deserve peace of mind. One thing that I know for sure is that there will always be men. Give your soul a break, and you'll be all the better when you are ready for love again. You will know what you want as a woman, who you are, and what magnificent power you carry within you.
