Starting fights in empty rooms
March 11, 2019
STARTING FIGHTS IN EMPTY ROOMS
Walking into broken glass was not what I expected when I woke up that morning. It looked like I had a party and a magnificent fight. Or both simultaneously. I remembered then that I hadn't had company, and instantly, my hangover head pound was more painful than the glass cutting my feet. I remembered then how I could start a fight in an empty room. I remembered then how the person I wanted to fight the most was myself, and apparently, I had taken it out of my apartment.
Never before in history has there been more importance placed on knowing one's worth. In everything we do, we have directed our significant attention to self-love, self-actualization, and understanding our values. I've written articles that pushed their agenda and watched movies where the underlying theme was to always believe in yourself, know that you can do better, and be more. That sounds easy enough because we all inherently believe that we're special and that there is something unique and beautiful inside us that no one else can offer. We start childish, ambitious, optimistic, and hopeful of a bright future, directly related to our exceptional talent. Then, somewhere down the line, someone tells us we are less, and self-doubt manifests a web of secret lies that we believe. We fight daily to keep what pride and worth we still have left inside us.
Every day is a battle over oneself.
One side of the self tells you how great you are and that there's no one alive as brilliant as you, while the second self says that you'll fail at everything you do, so why even try? Others of us have killed the 2nd self, and we want to know how they have done it. We want to know how to conquer and rid ourselves of the second self-demon. These champions of the second self are our heroes; our rock stars of self-esteem. How did they begin to live the life they wanted? How did they have the courage to kill the second self?
It takes courage to know you are worthy and deserving of a good life. If it were easy, we'd never have to push the agenda so hard. We'd never have to hold entire conferences focused on self-esteem and self-belief. We are hypnotized, like summer mosquitoes, by the high-voltage life of someone who appears to believe in themselves genuinely. We are in awe of their self-love and confidence. The glow of self-worth. Their auras are so strong that we can't help but follow them on social media and watch from the outside, looking at their so-called perfect lives. Their self-esteem seems way more evolved than ours could ever be. But are they genuinely pleased, or are they just putting on a mask of high self-esteem? Sadly, we don't find out until the girl with 2 million followers has committed suicide. Then, we question ourselves for not being able to see the signs of low self-worth.
We mistook unhealthy habits, destructive behaviors, and negative self-talk as signs of love because, somewhere, those traits resonated within us too. 2ndself is appealing and comfortable. The second self is an easy lay. It is far easier for me to give in to the 2ndself's lies than it is for me to have the courage to stand up against it. To say that it's bullshit and call it out for what it is, for once and for all, a liar.
Modern sculptor Brancusi noted, "Seeing far is one thing; going there is another."
Anytime you face a battle, whether you win or lose, you come out with scars—battle wounds that say, "I have been somewhere, I have fought a cause." I know a little something about this life now. I know more about who I am as a human being now because I have fought these battles. I've won even the ones I've lost because I dared to fight them.
"I am Kimberly, and I make bad decisions based on my feelings. I date men and get in impossible situations because of my self-appraisal of worth. I do not know how to cut off the voices that tell me lies." – Me.
The first step is recognizing that those are lies. You don't need followers to become validated as a human. Every human being alive, including you reading this, is worthy and has greatness inside them. To be alive is a gift, a grateful blessing. You have made it this far in life without succumbing to the fate of the rest of 2016. You have a higher calling. If you were not meant to be here right now, you wouldn't be. Every day you wake up with a heartbeat and are ready to go is a blessing. You still have a purpose on this planet. My worst 2nd self tells me I am not worthy of love and happiness. In return, I accept lies as truth and hate as love. We fall for anything because it is easy to do. It is hard to say to someone, "No, I won't allow you to treat me that way. No, I won't stick around for this type of verbal abuse, and yes, I am somebody worthy of the best life possible. Yes, I, too, should be loved and cherished.
I am a child of God.
Until we believe it for ourselves, we will accept the lowest-grade versions of our best lives.
Practice self-love every day.
Take time out every day to acknowledge what you are grateful for.
Eat to live, not live to eat.
Think of yourself in abundance
Envision yourself as a magnet for all the aspirations you want in your life.
Help others, even when they can't give you help in return.
Every day for 21 days, write down five “ I am statements.
